With the dreadful misery of a new semester of busy work approaching you, and with the allure of our custom essays already ringing throughout the halls of your Soviet-style concrete classroom building, it’s time to get ready for what the new semester’s gonna bring. This is how you prep for a semester, Rogue style…

• STRATEGIC SYLLABUS READING (AKA How to Pick Classes): When you’re considering which classes to pick for semester, you have two options. In figuring out which option is right for you, I’d strongly recommend checking out as many syllabi (yes, this is the plural of the word “syllabus” rather than the name of a part of the female reproductive system) as your beer-soaked liver will allow you to. More often than not, different university departments will store old syllabi on their websites. What you’ve got to do, lady or lord, is pick through these syllabi and look for one of two patterns.
  • Pattern One: EXAMS ALL THE WAY – on the one hand, you can look for classes that don’t have any essays or other significant pieces of written work. As you know, if you’ve got a few semesters underneath your belt, is that these are far more common in the hard sciences than in the softer ones. So, for one, you might just not be able to pick this option if you’re majoring in something awesome-sauce such as Sociology. On the other hand, even if you pick this option, failing the exam’s a quick way to a slow and painful academic death. So, if you’re not sure about what the right path might be, or if you’ve got mad skills in a given subject, this might not the pathway for you, even if you do suck at writing.
  • Pattern Two: OUTSOURCE YOUR ESSAYS – On the other hand, you can look for syllabi that are writing heavy. If you’ve got the fliff and moral compunction to have us write custom essays for you, this might be the righteous path for you. Look for syllabi that are heavy on writing, and that are complemented with quizzes. These quizzes are likely to be easy-peazy and won’t challenge you more than one of the early levels of Mario-Kart. If you really do suck at writing, you can just outsource your essays to our capable hands (Rogue Squadron, WHAT!), and not worry about your grade one bit.
  • GET MAD INTEL: This might seem flipping obvious but, talk to your roommates, fuckbuddies, lab mates, and other good old pals. Find out which of the profs you can choose from seem like decent human beings, and which ones are atrocious monsters. This is really the only way to ensure that your classroom experiences, for the semester, aren’t tainted by the pernicious blight of an academic so blighted by his or her majestic robes (or tweed) that you become the pawn in a sick game of “you’re my bitch.” Choose wisely, grasshopper, or you might suffer dramatically.
  •  LOG ON EARLY (and get off fast (couldn’t help myself): Make sure to get online right at the start of your registration window. While you might be able to pick up some worth sloppy seconds midway through the registration period, most of your chums are going to be running the same game plan as you. In the old days, when I had to register for classes, you had to key in classes, over the phone, based on a course schedule as big as a telephone book. So, don’t worry – you’ve got it good. That said, take advantage of the good times, cool-ass technology, and register early.
  • Week One Scouting: Finally, in seeking to optimize your possible course choices, attend as many classes as you can during you first week of classes. If you’re wondering how to pick your classes, this is great way to go about it. By course-hopping like this, you can figure out whether or not a prof with a hard-ass syllabus is a sweetheart, and whether the pain of the class might be less than you think, or whether a prof who seems to be offering a sweet ride is instead a terror. Thus, by attending multiple classes during the first week, even if you’re not registered, you can find the gold in a turd mine, and vice-versa.

Given that you’re on a custom essay site, you’re either struggling with the academic portions of your life or just overwhelmed to the point where you’re imbibing Red Bull by the case, and staring at your University’s meme page or Texts From Last Night, in utter disbelief, and wondering what you’ve done to deserve this purgatorial state. It’s midterm season – fuck.

The question that emerges here is how to maximize your returns (yeah, economist lingo FTW) on the basis of simultaneously exorcising your academic demons, not wasting time, and temporarily allocating portions of your mind better suited to drinking, thinking about drinking, fucking, and/or thinking about fucking to course material that you don’t give a shit about.

Yeah, I was an undergrad once. The problem here is that you can’t treat a midterm like a custom essay. You can’t hire me to ghostwrite the shit out of it because, unfortunately, I can’t wear your skin as a mask without doing serious damage to one of the appendages that will hopefully keep you well fucked and/or well inebriated. That said, I humbly you offer these study tips – which got me through an Ivy League BA and MA while well fucked and inebriated.

Take cues from your Prof

I, like many other professors, have this horrible tendency to be overly emphatic about pieces of material that will be on the test. If you attend class, and you notice that your professor is mentioning a certain phenomenon multiple times, and even linking it to other phenomena, you can be sure as shit that it will be on the test.

Study strategically

With the above in mind, especially if you’re in a time crunch, make sure that you focus on those elements that your professor has focused on. It might seem too obvious but so many people suck at taking tests because they want to memorize everything that’s in the lectures, readings, and tea leaves. DON’T FUCKING DO IT!

Type it up

This will be your biggest time suck but you will not regret it. First, type up your notes! Yeah, type them up! This will do three things for you. First, it will trigger those phenomena mentioned in number one that your prof kept going over and over in class and allow you to focus on them. Second, it will allow you to skim the material that’s not crucial to the class but that might show up on a multiple choice question or help you fill in an essay with fluff. Third, it will allow you to figure out what you really need to be spending time on.

Type it up again

Move on to your textbooks and readings. Assuming that you’re not a fool, you’ve highlighted stuff. Type up everything (ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING) that you’ve highlighted! This will allow you to replicate what you did for your notes with your readings. Rinse and repeat.

Read it, over and over, and over….

Now that you’ve got all of this crap typed up, read it over and over and over till your balls are blue. As you do this, highlight what’s most important (YES, I’M ADVISING YOU TO HIGHLIGHT YOUR PREVIOUS HIGHLIGHTING). This will allow you to focus even more significantly on key concepts while skimming the fluff. Third time around, underline the most crucial highlighted bits with a pen. Keep doing this until you run out of writing instruments for providing different annotations. Now you’re studying smart.

Maximize your returns

With all this done, you’ve got to know when to stop studying. Seriously, it’s crucial that you sleep before the test. Do not fucking cram until seven AM and then rush to school! No! Go to bed when you feel like you’re getting confused. You’ll hit a point where, the more you study, the more you’ll feel like you’re losing grip on the material (YOU’RE NOT!) Go to bed then. Diddle yourself, have a smoke, whatever! Stop studying! You’ll remember the stuff that you think you’ll forget in the morning (Seriously, it will be crystal clear!)

Show up and rock out!

Take the test. Then hire me to write your next custom essay. Seriously, I rock – and I’m funny too.

HOW TO BEAT TURNITIN

That got your attention, didn’t it? Yeah, universities are increasingly using TURNITIN so as to catch what they call plagiarism. A lot of message boards and Ehow articles out there are telling you that you can beat TURNITIN by doing weird stuff with macros in word, by adding random letters or punctuation to sentences, or by sacrificing a baby goat over the altar of your favorite copy-pasting mouse. I hate to break it to you, but that’s a bunch of horse shit.

When I teach, I use TURNITIN. I used TURNITIN when I was a graduate student, and a TA. The software, and its algorithms, are foolproof and constantly updated. You cannot beat TURNITIN using conventional methods. It analyzes the raw data underlying the assignment you turn it, and can totally see through any of the lame manipulations that are recommended on the Interwebs. If you copy-paste, you are honest-to-god screwed.

Let me tell you a bit about what TURNITIN looks like from the inside, and why you can’t beat it. When I open TURNITIN, I see the names of all the students in my class. The filenames that they uploaded are next to their names, followed by an originality measure, and a bar that’s either green, yellow, or red. (DUDE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT TURNS RED? THAT’S SOME OMINIOUS STUFF). That’s TURNITIN matching the text that you submitted (forget about the macros – I’ve tried it myself – it does not work) with everything in its database.

If you copy a Wikipedia article into TURNITIN, it will come in as somewhere around 100% plagiarized. If you copy-paste 25% of your essay, it will come back as around 25% unoriginal. That gigantic block of text that you copied? Your prof will see it highlighted in glorious color on his or her computer monitor. Oh wait, did you chop up the text, and add a word here or there? Nope TURNITIN will catch that too. If your essay gets a little yellow line next to it, you’re pretty much fucked. Let me put it simply – you do not want to fuck with TURNITIN. It will fuck you. It is impossible to beat TURNITIN. It’s like death and taxes…

While I speak the truth above, this is obviously self-serving. Myself and my fellow Unemployed Professors write custom essays for a living. What does that mean? Well, TURNITIN is awesome for us. The only real way to beat TURNITIN is to write your own stuff. The fact of the matter is that a lot of college students out there, whether English is their second language, or whether they’re in a science program and don’t give a goddamn about their English and Humanities classes, can’t or don’t want to write lame essays. These guys and gals need us. Because you know what? The only way to beat TURNITIN, if you don’t have the time or skills to write an A paper, is to hire an Unemployed Professor like me.

With that, I Professor Rogue am officially declaring April of 2012 to be BEAT TURNITIN month. If I bid on your project, and you mention BEAT TURNITIN month on the message board, I will knock 10% off my quoted rate.

So let’s sing and dance together – and BEAT TURNITIN!

Despite the fact that I write custom essays, to supplement my income, I’m still an educator. As such, I’m writing today to provide you budding scholars with some awesome-sauce essay writing tips. For what it’s worth, one of my custom essays would most certainly kick the ass of anything that you could produce (go on – buy an essay). Nevertheless, here a few essay writing tips to tide you over until you can feel the glory of buying a custom essay.

• Tip Number One: Make Procrastination Your Friend! It’s inevitable; we all procrastinate. What you need to do, and this happens all the time when I’m writing custom essays and my own shit, is to harness those bursts of inspiration and of clarity that come to you among the hours of Facebooking, diddling, and drinking that make up your procrastination. As soon as you have an idea, keep writing until you can’t write anymore. Even if half of what you are producing won’t make the final cut, it’s worth it – you’re going to fill your essay volume a lot faster this way. I often procrastinate for an hour, and then write two to three pages in a half hour. That’s just the way that our brains work. So optimize your brain, and if you’re not going to buy a custom essay, don’t waste a knowledge bomb when your mind blows it up. Write until you can’t write no more.
• Tip Number Two: Write your introduction and your conclusion FIRST! When you’re writing an essay, you have to know what the fuck you plan on writing about in the piece. There’s no point in staring at a blank page for hours upon hours, diddling yourself, and Facebook stalking your latest crush. Rather, figure out what the fuck you’re going to write about, and crank out an introduction, and a conclusion. I guarantee you that it will be easier to fill in the middle, if you have the intro and conclusion done at the start. That’s how the pros do it, whether they’re writing for their own academic purposes, or selling you a custom essay.
• Tip Number Three: Carry a pen and paper at all times during essay writing season! You never know when you’re going to get a good idea for your essay (buying a custom essay is a lot easier mind you). As such, you have to capitalize on inspiration when a knowledge bomb hits you out of the blue. I carry a pen and a Moleskine notepad everywhere I go. If I have an idea, I jot it down immediately, whether it be for my own work, or for a custom essay that I might be working on. That way, all of my knowledge bombs are capitalized upon, and I spend less time procrastinating between the aforementioned bursts.
• Tip Number Four: If your essay requires a lot of reading, be a pro in two ways! One: If you can’t read all of the articles and books that you need to cite, in their entirety, read the introductions, theory sections, methods sections, and conclusions. Forget about the empirics or the meat of the paper. It will all be repeated in the conclusion. Two: READ ALL THE TIME. If you’re at the bus stop, read. If you’re walking down the street, read. Do not take extensive notes until you’re done reading the book. Otherwise, you’ll have too much garbage, and no substance.

I hope that these essay writing tips help you out if you’re currently in a quagmire. If all else fails, come to unemployedprofessors.com, and buy yourself a custom essay. Look out for me – Professor Rogue – I guarantee that I will drop a PhD level knowledge bomb on your work.

P.S. I DON’T PROOFREAD MY BLOG POSTS. Shakkkabooom!

Introducing one of our newest hires, Professor Fishnet -BA Biology
MA Neuroscience
PhD Sexology – Professor Fishnet, a Doctor of Sexology, will now be starting a bi-monthly love and sex advice column, targeted at you undergrads, and will be happy to publicly respond to any anonymous questions, about love and sex, put forth by our loyal customers and readers at this link

Believe it or not, one of the most frequent questions that I get here, at this glorious custom essay business, is how can I sleep with my professor! It’s kind of odd – I’m this vast repository of academic knowledge, and undergrads, both some that I know, and some that use this site, want to know how to knock boots with their professor or TA. Well, this post is meant to be a brief field guide to fucking your professor, I suppose. Now, first things first, and not for nothing, it ain’t the best idea in the world. There’s a strange power dynamic at play, and both of you could get fucked, in a less pleasant way than your coitus, if discovered. But I digress, as I’m not one for warnings…

First off, do you want to bone your professor because he/she is physically hot, or another reason? Is your professor male or female? With regards to the latter question, I suppose that I can only speak with regards to pursuing a male professor. What are your initial steps? Well, first of all, and again not for nothing, look for a wedding band. If there isn’t one, you’re in better shape than if there is. Now I’m not saying that professors don’t cheat on their spouses, what I’m saying is that you’re more likely to offend a married professor, than a non-married one, with the latter in fact being far more likely to be at least somewhat receptive/flattered/ambivalent with regards to your advances.

Step 1: Pay attention to what said professor or TA says when describing him or herself, personally and academically. Write these down if you have to.

Step 2: Show up at office hours – focus on the things that your professor likes, again both academically and personally. Do the same thing after class. If you seem to be annoying said professor/TA, knock it off. You’re not good to go; it isn’t going to work out. Bone someone in your own age group.

Step 3: Flirt, in a very mild manner, with the prof at the next available juncture. I would suggest wearing a professional yet somewhat revealing outfit in this regard. I remember, once, early in my career, a student pulled a Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct on me, during an exam. I didn’t dig it. So don’t flirt outrageously. Flirt discreetly. If you’re received positively, keep at it. If the prof looks at you and says “WTF Mate,” or something like that, back off.

Step 4: Assuming initial flirtation has been successful, attempt to schedule a meeting, pertaining to something academic, outside of office hours. If you’re really ballsy, try to set up this meeting in a café near campus (no bars, that’s pushing it). Lay on the flirtation at this point. If at any point awkwardness ensues, cease immediately and get back to academic business.

Step 5: If step 4 was successful, you’re in (in all likelihood). Try friending your prof on Facebook, or whatever. If he’s not on it, try asking him if he wants to grab a coffee. Move from a coffee to a drink. Move from a drink, to the bedroom.

The key, across all of these steps, is to stop if things get awkward. DO NOT PUSH IT. If you do, you risk ruining your reputation on with said prof. Sleeping with your prof is a slow and painstaking process that requires a methodologically-savvy and empirical approach. Don’t push things; it isn’t worth it. Two final notes… You’re better off doing the actual boning once the semester is over… Also, you’re much more likely to succeed in sleeping with a TA than a full professor, although I do know one guy who used to bang at least two undergrads in each of his classes… He’s an awesome dude too… As for me, I don’t kiss and tell – I ain’t that guy though.

Whence Academic Misconduct? Tis the question. I often ponder the ethical implications of plagiarism, and my night job here. At first, I felt a little bad about what I was doing; writing custom papers; doing others’ homework; all the while writing my own dissertation. Not for nothing, my dissertation probably took an extra six to nine months because of this gig. Those were, however, the glory days of the post-9/11 boom, when those of us researching national defense and terrorism were granted an almost infinite stay in the windowless offices of the “grad student section” of our office buildings.

So there I am, plugging away on this dissertation, and writing custom essays on subjects as varied as Trans-Cultural Nursing, the racial correlates of inter-city criminality, and the symbolism of Canada in David Foster Wallace’s “Infinite Jest.” What the fuck was I doing? Here I am – contributing something novel to high-level scholarship, to human knowledge, all the while acting as a hired gun, paid by the page, to write custom papers. Then, it hit me, plagiarism rules, in college, are a joke. When I was a grad student, teaching perhaps my third or fourth class ever, I discovered that 8 of my 29 students had copied their answers from Wikipedia on a take-home exam.

Ontologically, I was confused. Here I am writing custom essays and I’m about to bust some dumbass kids for cheating. And I did! All 8 of those kids got Fs for the class and were put on academic probation. Reread that last sentence. “PUT ON ACADEMIC PROBATION.” Relieved that my own hypocrisy was vindicated by a student-biased plagiarism policy, I resolved to never again deal with the Academic Misconduct board. From then on, if I ever caught a student teaching, I’d do everything within my power to make the student fail, and fail miserably, through my own glorious powers of grading.

But back to the issue at hand here. How did I reconcile my semester-long plagiarism “crackdown” with my side gig? With ease in the end… Aside from the whole education being a commodity point that I touched on in an earlier post (thanks for the hate mail, babe), I kind of figured out that if someone was clever/insidious enough to cheat without getting busted, they actually did deserve their pass. A lot goes in to busting a cheater; writing the fucking report itself can take upwards of 4-6 hours. What’s the goddamn point when the punishment is ACADEMIC PROBATION?  So, have your essay written by a professional, oh my dear international engineering student who can build a bridge, but can’t write a coherent sentence in English! When your professor asks you how you wrote the piece, reply “Yes I did. Thank you. Have a nice day.” Your school is selling you out. If you’re buying when the market’s hot, make your life simpler, and just buy your goddamn papers. I can’t feel nothing but the winds blowing any more. I pay special and extra attention to those of my students who show promise, and might want to go to grad school. For the rest of them, pass or fail, just don’t be obvious in getting your A/B/C/D/F. And don’t fuck me over.

Let’s face it – I’m an academic prostitute, a whore one might say. I don’t suck phalluses for money, nor at all for that matter, but I do sell my body every time I write a custom college essay. Am I being provocative? Yeah. Am I trying to optimize this web site’s page position on Google? Hell yeah. I’m an academic ghostwriter – I’m a whore, I sell custom papers. That’s it; that’s all. But how I feel about this proverbial whoredom? In all likelihood, much better than an actual real life prostitute does. When I write a custom essay, I’m selling my cognitive function, my ability to regurgitate complex information in a coherent way. Thinking of it in that way, I’m more of a high-class escort than a street hooker. I have multiple graduate degree, and thus provide a high end custom essay service.  With that, I feel a certain degree of cockiness as people pay me to do their homework.

A pervasive anonymity underlies this side job of mine, just like a hooker might hold down a day job, and supplement her income by using her “bodily talents.” That said, I’m just using a difficult faculty, a more cognate one to say the least, when I write custom college essays instead of licking scrotums. Nonetheless, the logic is the same, via analogy. I’m selling myself, more often than not to the highest bidder, purely for thrill and money. I learn things that I didn’t previously know writing custom essays, but deep down I’m a whore. I actually recently read a book about high end prostitutes and learned about something called the Girlfriend Experience. Essentially, men who cannot maintain a relationship, or something, pay hookers to act like their girlfriends. Without getting too graphic, these “girlfriend” whores will do things that other whores won’t do, like kissing their clients on the mouth. The analogy between my academic ghostwriting and my whoredom continues even there. I don’t just write custom essays for people; I also support them, to an extent. Like a good Girlfriend Experience hooker, I’m there for that late night revision request, or to provide reassuring words that an exam or paper will go well. I don’t just do my clients’ homework; I do them. I’m a whore; a dirty slut. You can quote me on that.

Hanging in my office are two artifacts which juxtapose a feeling and a belief that I suppose frames me and my thinking. The first is my doctoral diploma from the University of Texas at El Paso; it is inspiring and it is beautiful, and it says volumes which I shall not bore you with here. Second, directly beneath it, is a photograph of me as a 20-year old with a group of Mormon missionaries planting rice seedlings in the spring in a field in northern Japan, on the island of Hokkaido, near the town of Iwamizawa. In the photograph, I am staring past the camera, and have a contemplative look on my face, almost as if I am thinking “what the hell am I doing in this patch of mud and gunk up to my shins?”

What I derive from the first is merely the culmination of the advice of Calvin Coolidge: nothing substitutes for perseverance. What I derive from the second is, not all education occurs in a book or in a classroom.

I know people, perhaps in the thousands, who are wonderful, energetic, honorable people, who have never spent a split second inside a college or university. They do not devalue education, but it was not their calling. They have lives that are satisfying, they pay their bills, they pay their taxes, they contribute to the Social Contract, and they obey the law and they probably do not commit violence upon each other. And though they might not read the New York Times as often as do I, they know what’s up. They run or own or work in the businesses that support my habits, and I am glad to give them my money from time to time. Two of the smartest people I know, my brothers Fred and Bob, far outshine me in the just plain smart department, and have not wasted their lives in academia.

I know other people, and usually avoid them, who have a disdain for higher education, who brag about not being educated. I wish to gently remind all and sundry, that life, in the end, is balanced, and that which you do not anticipate might just kill you.

I wonder at the state of our schools today. I have heard more times than I wish to count, the pledge of teachers and administrators to teach kids how to become problem solvers. I need to confess to you that I think our kids today, the current generation of school-age kids, probably have already acquired problem-solving skills at a street level, at least, and certainly have greater problem solving skills than we give them credit.

What we do need to teach them, and quickly, is problem recognition skills. Many times, humans do not recognize when they are in the middle of the swamp and are surrounded by alligators, and cannot figure out how they got there in the first place. Like the mess on Wall Street at the end of 2008: this is a serious problem, and we need to figure out fast how we got ourselves there.

We also need to teach problem anticipation skills. In another venue, we can call this marketing, but it is the simple act of looking down the road and asking “I wonder what would happen if, (fill in the blank here)”. We rarely look ahead and wonder what if a certain thing occurs and then what. That is problem anticipation, and it is one of the three smartest things you can teach yourself. Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter probably could have used that skill. It covers many aspects of life, not just mathematics. I have used it in business and I have used it in interpersonal relationships. I have used it in raising seven of the greatest people I know: my kids. It is always a good question to ask yourself before ordering another drink.

It turns out, the patch of mud and gunk up to my shins taught me at least as much as the University of Texas in El Paso, with due respect and admiration to my dissertation faculty. It taught me balance, it taught me goal-setting, it taught me how to value things appropriately, and it taught me appreciation for the things handed to me in life. And it taught me the cost of rice.