When it comes to academic integrity, plagiarism is a no-no. Maybe even the BIGGEST no-no.

But can Turnitin really sniff out those sneaky essays you bought online from the digital equivalent of a guy in a dark alley? The short answer is…it’s complicated.

What does TurnitIn do?

Turnitin, the software used by many universities and schools to catch plagiarism, can only detect when text is verbatim or near-verbatim taken from another source.

So if you buy a custom-written essay that has never been caught in TurnItIn’s greedy, for-profit tentacles, then it won’t be flagged. (Of course, all these plagiarism detectors are known for false positives – something we’ve covered extensively in this blog).

But let’s say you do buy an essay online and the source is unknown. Like maybe you bought a pre-written paper on the dark web, or your cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s brother sold you his old Econ paper for some Bitcoin. This is where Turnitin can bust you. The notorious software checks submitted work against a gargantuan database of papers that have been submitted before, as well as content from the internet, books, academic journals, and newspapers.

So if the essay you bought has been submitted before, or if it is identical or very similar to something found on the internet, Turnitin will flag it as plagiarized. And then it’s game over.

Can TurnItIn detect ChatGPT writing?

And before you ask ChatGPT, yes: Of course TurnItIn is already salivating at developing a new, expensive AI writing detection product that they’ll charge your university gazillions of dollars for, and pass the extra cost onto you, of course. AI writing is so 2022!

The essay writing service we recommend

So, what’s a student to do? Well, if you’re going to buy an essay, make sure it’s from a reputable source that guarantees original, custom-written papers. We recommend Unemployed Professors. This way, you won’t have to worry about Turnitin catching you – nor will you have to worry about much else, because Unemployed Professors only hires the best essay writers around. When you let us write your essay, not only are our nerds actually excited to do it, but you don’t have anything else to worry about. You will feel a great emptiness in your very soul – and that emptiness is an existence free of worrying about whether Turnitin can catch you if you buy a paper online. True, at first this feeling of pure calm can feel disconcerting – but you will feel like a new human once you are freed from the burden of worrying about essay writing.

Custom writing is not just for papers

But why stop there? Why settle for just a custom-written essay when you could have the whole package deal? At Unemployed Professors, not only do we guarantee original, custom-written papers, but we also offer a wide range of other services to help you succeed in your academic pursuits – and beyond.

Need a research proposal written? We’ve got you covered. Struggling to write a killer personal statement for grad school? Our team of professionals can help you craft the perfect statement to make you stand out from the rest. Trying to take your business to the next level? Cool, we love writing B-plans and white papers. Resume? More like… Res-uh-may-I-write-that-for-you?

And if you’re worried about being caught by Turnitin, don’t be. Our team of experts know exactly how to navigate the system, ensuring that your paper will fly under the radar. Our team of IT specialists are constantly updating their methods (oh yeah, we do computer security papers, too!) to stay one step ahead of the game. Like we said…you won’t have anything to worry about. Therapists HATE when you use this one weird trick!

(In case your therapist relies on income from your paper anxiety-related sessions, you can give them our site. If their qualifications are a match, let them know we’re always taking resumes and CV’s from qualified Unemployed Professors).

The Unemployed Professors Mission

At Unemployed Professors, we believe in helping students succeed, whether that means writing their papers for them or providing guidance and support in other areas of their academic pursuits.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and just plain burnt out, remember that Unemployed Professors is here to help YOU. We employ frustrated and under-employed professors who are more than happy to take on the burden of writing your paper, and our service is completely confidential.

We bring the logic of late capitalist markets to the grotesque parody that higher education has become. 😀

Buying a paper can be stigmatized, but it doesn’t have to be. And if TurnItIn can’t detect it, why should it be?

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and sometimes, you just need a little help to get ahead. Goodness knows your competition has benefited from plenty of its own help to get ahead  – whether it’s their parents donating to the university, extremely generous athletic “academic support,” or just growing up with the wealth to benefit from tutors and test prep. In this late capitalist dystopia, buying a paper from Unemployed Professors is the smart choice. If you hate that, our lord and savior Karl Marx has some ideas for you.

So don’t let fear of Turnitin hold you back. Contact us today and let us help you succeed in your academic pursuits.