UP Sucks

“Unemployed Professors Sucks”

imagesK2RQ71JLA lot of people talk smack about Unemployed Professors. A lot of people think we suck. Of course, it’s important to defend yourself against such attacks. People hate that this site exists and, hey, haters gonna hate. Unemployed Professors is disrupting the educational paradigm, and everyone hates disrupters.

People who say that we suck are locked into the traditional thinking about education. They believe that a faceless committee should prescribe what classes someone should take, and that if, for example, someone just can’t pass an 8 AM section of English 201 no matter how hard they try, because their professor automatically flunks anyone whose APA headings aren’t perfect, they should be denied their degree and doomed to a life of toil. Believing that education is a gatekeeper for the middle class is the source of belief that Unemployed Professors sucks. Yeah, we suck – we suck at adhering to the mainstream ideas about education and who it is for. For every 10 people who claim that our site is somehow evil, we help 100 people stay in the middle class by ensuring that they can get that last credential needed. We help overworked teachers finish up busywork continuing education requirements. We help dyslexic engineers finish required English classes. We help working moms finish the last history paper they need so they can graduate with their nursing degrees. We help cancer patients stay in school. We help veterans who have put their lives on the line for their country finish editing their capstone projects. Behind every paper here, there’s a story. That story is usually of someone who has been failed by the system, whose time and money are being wasted on irrelevant required classes. We are proud of the work we do here, and we are proud of the papers we write, just as we were proud of the work we put our own names on in our own educational and professional careers.


People say Unemployed Professors sucks, but they fail to see that in addition to helping students, the site also helps professors. It is a well-known fact that most people who finish PhD’s never get a tenure-track job. It is well-established that adjuncts are overworked and underpaid and graduate students often live off starvation wages. The fields these people are in may be undervalued by the capitalist system, but they are nonetheless valuable. However, these people still have to eat. If partially-employing an Unemployed Professor takes someone off food stamps, can we really say that the site sucks?

So, yeah, as you can see our site really sucks. We suck at maintaining the paradigm. We suck at helping rich people stay rich. We suck at helping universities continue to enrol people in classes they don’t really need so they can keep vacuuming up their money. We suck at maintaining the gatekeeper identity of the university, which is the idea that it can cripple working-class students with debt for degrees they can’t finish while ensuring that the wealthy students maintain their position in the upper class.

One of our friendly, tweed-wearing Unemployed Professors is happy to help you tame the paper monster.



Unemployed professors review – an insiders opinion

Professors_01A couple of years ago, my company rewrote the unemployed professors website in return for an equity position in the company. Writing a website for equity is a common request in my industry, but not one that I often entertain. After all, I have enough ideas of my own that I do not have time for. I made an exception for unemployed professors because they had a revenue stream and management was very very impressive.

Some of the questions that I get from friends and family are: “Are you worried that your existing clients will look unfavorably on the fact that you created a website that enables students to cheat?” “Don’t you feel that it is morally irresponsible to be part of unemployed professors?”

If you can imagine the look of disbelief on John McEnroe’s face when a ball is called out, I can only answer these questions with: you cannot be serious!

First of all, I am in business to make money and don’t have time for all the kumbaya bullshit that our overpaid Hollywood starlets engage in.

On a serious note, our customers come in many flavors. There is a small minority that literally buys their entire degree. I can only surmise that these people are sent to school by their rich daddies and have no desire to be there. Is this a problem created by unemployed professors? No, it is a problem created by nepotism. These people will probably end up taking a cushy, high paying, no-work job with one of daddy’s affiliates and live happy ever after. It’s good to be lucky; I don’t have a problem with that.

Another reason students use our service is to complete writing assignments for non-core forced elective courses. These students are making the practical choice of spending more time on their core studies in order to elevate their GPA as well as their expertise in their chosen field. These are highly motivated students coping with an enormous workload in a practical manner. In the end, these students will usually graduate with honors and with a deeper understanding of their major. The argument can be made that these non-core courses help broaden your education. A load of crap; life itself is good enough for that, you are in school to get a solid foundation in your chosen field, use every minute wisely.

The most interesting subset of our clientele is the student who has already written an assignment and is asking for advice before submitting it or asking help with a re-write after it was rejected. Truly remarkable; obviously a very dedicated student, but why come to us? If you are a student like I was many years ago, you can understand the frustration of professors not respecting their office hours or caring more about their own research projects when you happen to find them. The fact of the matter is that the professionals at unemployed professors are here for you and care that you get the help and the mark that you deserve and also to learn from the experience.

.… And during the process I truly believe that you will become a better student. – Shadow

One of our friendly, tweed-wearing Unemployed Professors is happy to help you tame the paper monster.

Professor Rogue’s Words of Wisdom on Citations for College Essays

11017610_439207669561918_657049086_nIf you don’t know this already, trust me – citations for your college essays are one of the most important elements of writing top-notch papers that will get you an A grade. Indeed, many professors, especially in English and the Humanities are incredibly nitpicky about citations for college essays, and will even dock large numbers of points for even the most minor errors in citation systems. If you’re worried about, or struggling with the implementation of a given citation style, you might just want to buy a custom essay, and leave that work to a professional. That said, however, and without writing an actual guide to writing citations for college essays, I’m going to provide you with a few tricks that might make your life, as it pertains to citations, much easier. I’m going to discuss MLA, Chicago, and APA citations, and I’m going to tell you why APA citations are the best when you’re writing a college essay.

Let’s get started with MLA citations – they are the bane of many undergraduates’ existence. Most commonly used in English literature classes as well in Humanities disciplines like History; MLA citations are based on what’s called a parenthetical system. That means that, after you list information which you found in a text, you should write something that looks a little bit like what will go right before this sentence’s period (Rogue, 1). In this case, let’s pretend that Rogue is my last name, and that 1 is the page number that this sentence is written on. What you’re basically doing, in making this type of citation, is saying that you got the information in the sentence or group of sentences preceding it on page 1 of an author with the surname Rogue. That’s pretty simple. The only problem with this system, and which drives me up a wall, is the need for page numbers. With MLA citations, you have to always note the page which you got your information from. That can be a real pain after you’ve read through a book, and forgot to flag the page which you got the information off of. But, if you’re forced to use MLA style for your college essay citations, you’re shit out of luck.

Moving forward to the Chicago style, it’s pretty similar to MLA, but actually has two variants. The first of these is called the footnote variant, and means that, instead of using a set of parentheses when citing your information, you use a footnote, and then place the bibliographic entry for the book or article you’re citing in the footnote. Like with MLA, you then add the page number to the end of the citation in the footnote. On the other hand, another variant of Chicago style is the author-date system. In this variant, you’re going to do something very similar to MLA by creating a set of parentheses like the one I showed you above for MLA (Rogue, 2015, 2). Evidently, Rogue is once again the surname of the author, the 2 is a reference to the page you found the information on, and 2015 refers to the year in which the work you’re citing was published. So, basically, it’s like MLA style with the added pain-in-the-ass of having to also find the year in which the work you’re citing was published. But, given that a lot of professors are assholes when it comes to college essay citations, make sure to check with your professor, if it’s not specified, as to whether they’re looking for the footnote or author-date variant.

Finally, the power and the glory of the APA system come out! I love APA parenthetical citations. Look at the end of this sentence (Rogue, 2015). That’s it – the author’s surname and the year in which the work was published. As you might be able to tell, APA is my favorite style for college essay citations. It’s simple, straightforward, and doesn’t require you to go back and find the damn page number that you’re referencing unless you’re making use of a direct quote, “in which case, your citation will look like the one which comes at the end of this sentence (Rogue, 2015: 3). APA is awesome. If you haven’t had time to read a book for your class, but you have access to a summary of it, use APA. Since you won’t need to use page numbers, you can get away with a skim of the book as you won’t have to actually know in which parts of the book the author says which things. While this might be dangerous in an upper-level class, where you might actually have to talk to your professor about your paper, it’s an easy-breezy way to make your life simpler in a large and low-level class.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

Going to graduate school

The Winner Takes All

imagesK2RQ71JLGoing to graduate school is generally a bad idea for at least 100 reasons – this I learned much too late in my career. As I learn to adapt to the current job market I find myself reflecting on the path that brought me to Unemployed Professors. My personal route started in some very humble beginnings and took me through a variety of academic situations around the globe. These experiences have left me with little faith in the U.S. higher education system. You may think that this view is jaded, but I am perfectly happy with my successive approximations of reality.

I believe that there are more than 100 reasons not to go to graduate school, all of which can be translated into reasons why undergraduate education is a bad deal for many. The one reason that tends to float to the top of the frothy head inside my mind is that the winner takes all in the world of academics. This is similar to pedigree, but applies to those who have managed to bypass those invisible barriers. Education is very much unlike the business world (although this is rapidly changing) in that one doesn’t need to be a high-level executive to make more than a living wage.

Think about high school. In practice, the faculty teaches two types of students, college bound and not college bound. This means that the educational resources go to the college bound, who are likely from relatively privileged parents. For those not going to college, the difference is negligible between the passing and top grade in a class.

This same grading structure applies in the universities. Sure, there is the priceless satisfaction of a job well done and some intellectual enlightenment, if you are lucky; however, for most students their only reasonable expectation is higher earning potential. And from what I have seen along the way here, this is the desire of most college students.

The odds are stacked against you. To think otherwise is to be foolish. If you are not a white male, then things are even worse.

For many universities, your return on investment is diminishingly small. It’s worse if you go to a community college for anything other than a trade. I usually tell most struggling students to go become a skilled tradesman – there’s more work, money, and job satisfaction.

My peers who have received the most benefits out of their higher education were born into a world of academics and/or privilege of some sort. Their parents are mainly educators, professors, doctors, and lawyers. College is easy for them because they have already learned everything they needed to know before you even thought college might be an option.

Those who already have the most benefits will continue to receive the most benefits.

I have yet to see any students become substantially recognized and rewarded for climbing out of failure and into top-level grades and marks. This is a crying shame because it is these people who have truly shown exceptional intellect and motivation. Only the awarded get awarded. If you were not the head of your class as a young teenager, do not expect much in the way of scholarships, fellowships, awards, citations, etc.

Do not expect your boss to care that you earned the highest grade in your epistemology course. Hell, most public school districts in the U.S. could care less about their teacher’s own grades. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule, but I am not talking about the tail end of the distribution.

Higher education has no place for students who are not already in first place. It is nearly analogous to why the rich become richer and the poor become poorer. But there is one crucial difference: Those at the top of the academic pile literally get everything and everybody else gets almost nothing – there is nothing in between. You can have good ideas; but, if they are not the best ideas, then you can expect no reward.

And guess what? The best ideas are not the best ideas. We all know this, but it doesn’t matter much. What matters in academics is if you have the privilege and prestige to back your ideas. These people get the very best resources, i.e. Ivy League and top government schools, while the rest of us can only ever hope to have one or two professors who care. I used to wonder why the professors at the top schools were the worst instructors. I now know that this is a stupid question; these students already have the necessary knowledge and background needed to succeed.

The best professors are at many community colleges. Period. These are the academics who entered the game for the right reasons: 1) They care about intellectual enlightenment. 2) They believe in equitable distribution of higher education. 3) They enjoy helping people achieve and overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. Coincidentally, these are the same reasons that ensure faculty failure at the best universities. Unfortunately, the community college students are not literate enough to understand this and the community college system is constructed in such a way that faculty are intellectually and academically castrated. At one community college, I was told that they do not normally hire PhD’s because they tend to overthink the job. I had to dumb down the way that I spoke to the hiring administration for fear of not getting the job. It is a depressing situation.

Universities have become quasi-trade schools for careers with no futures. In fact, a lot them started out as trade schools, uh, I mean, colleges for teachers. You are not walking into an environment that fosters enlightened discourse. You are entering a group that is a distribution between the extremes of people who like to party and those who simply want a well-paying job. Yes, there are a few students who have deluded themselves into believing that they are intellectuals. I say do not believe everything you think.

How do we accommodate all of these lovely students without failing everybody and collapsing the university system? We do this with grade inflation, student loans, and government grants. This means that most students need to get past some dickhead professor to get a degree that is effectively worthless.

The devalued bachelor’s degree has simply become another obstacle in life. Chances are that your new employer after college will not care about your sense of equality, imagination, creative writing skills, and so on. Your degree in anthropology only qualifies you to dig holes in the real world. Got a master’s degree in anthropology? Bigger holes. And guess what again? You will most likely end up with a boss that has the intellectual appetite of a goat and the human resource skills of Darth Vader.

At this point in my career, questioning the ethics of buying a model paper/essay is mooted by reality. To succeed in a situation where the winner takes all, one must not play by the rules. Disclaimer: However, you should keep it legal.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!


June 19, 2014

How to be a Better Plagiarizer


The Real Reasons Your Professor Doesn’t Want You To Plagiarize.

Every semester around Week 12, I roll out my super-deluxe “Why You Should Not Plagiarize” lecture.  It’s a riotous good time for all involved: there are thrills, there are cliff-hangers, there are built-in drum rolls.  Every student in attendance leaves the classroom 100% pumped to write their own work and not plagiarize.  Until 10 days later when they turn in their research paper and then we get to have that really awkward conversation in my office as my lunch wilts in the corner of my windowless cubicle.

I’ve been doing this a while.  I’ve been busting plagiarists a while.  And check me out getting in on the ground floor of this plagiarism business here!  If you really want to know why your professors care about plagiarism so much, read on.

Ethics shmethics.  Professors want you to turn in your own work because you’re supposed to learn and because someday you might be the one resuscitating us in the ER.  Blah blah blah.  Your thesis on Wordsworth won’t save lives.  No new ground here.  You knew this one already.

Blame it on the Man.  Everybody has a boss, including us.  Plagiarism is one coefficient in a vast equation that keeps the university credible: if too many students plagiarize, the whole thing capsizes, and we’re on the streets.  They call it ‘losing accreditation’ or some such nonsense.  Enter institutional mandates, departmental meetings, subcommittees, and lengthy statements we’re required to copy and paste into our syllabi.

Some of my colleagues really care about students doing their own work.  They can’t believe students would pass up the amazing opportunity to do the work assigned to them and that they’ve paid for the privilege to complete.  Then there are the rest of us: we’re supposed to bust you, we work on a semester-to-semester contract (this means shit benefits [go, Union!] and no job security), and we worry there might be some faceless bureaucrat tracking how many of you we do bust and factoring that into our future rehire.  Which brings me to my next point.

Don’t make it so goddamn easy to bust you.  If you turn in a paper copied and pasted off Wikipedia (it’s really helpful when you leave the hyperlinks intact or the URL right above your name), we have no choice but to act (see that bit I just mentioned about the faceless bureaucrat holding our rehire in their hands).

And that’s when I personally get pissed off.  Because you broke my cynical little Daria-heart with your plagiarizing?  Because now I know all those times you smiled and nodded during class you were just plotting your evil plagiarist takeover?  No: it’s a much simpler math than that.

Time, like matter, is neither created nor destroyed.  Those two and a half hours you saved yourself by downloading some piece of shit from CheatHouse now cost me two and a half hours as I have to download the academic dishonesty form, climb two flights of stairs to retrieve it from an office that actually has a printer, fill in and sign said form, print out a copy of your original CheatHouse mess, highlight the areas of similarity in both documents, email you, set up a meeting with you, actually attend my own office hours, listen earnestly as you pretend you had no idea how this happened, campus mail a report to my Associate Dean and the Dean of Students, and keep two copies for my records for at least a semester.  Did you see how long that sentence was?  Multiply that by 3-4 students per class and 5 sections in a good semester.  Do you know now why professors hate plagiarism?

Graduate school installs Turnitin.com inside every Professor’s brain.  You’re probably beginning to see now that professors are just like you.  We like craft beer, we zone out too much in front of Netflix, and we live our lives to generate as many really awesome Facebook updates as possible.  We are just like you—except in one really important way when it comes to plagiarism.  Professors love language, and we spent the best part of our reproductive years reading books: reading motherfucking books instead of carousing, eating Bdubs, and honing our amateur porn star skillz.  Books.  I know.  What a wasted youth.

Now that you know this, you will know how I always bust students for plagiarism.  Language.  It is like an internal, always updated, never-fail Turnitin.com installed in my brain.  If you’re plagiarizing something from The New York Times, that section of your paper will sound just like The New York Times.  If your English 101 paper uses the word “phenomenology” and it doesn’t have to, I’ll know it for the JSTOR rip-off that it is.  If your paper happens to drop a “hitherto” or “hereunder,” I’ll know that, on the other side of the world, some poor resident of a former-English speaking colony is truly grateful for the $12 you kicked their way in exchange for writing your paper for you.

Remember this as your plagiarism credo: my professors are and are not like me.  These days, we’re poring over climate models to pick the best spot on which to erect our eco-bunkers and wait out global warming (the good spots called “refugias” and I’m not telling where mine is).  Back in the day, though, we wrote whole undergraduate papers on one use of the past progressive tense in an early colonial captivity narrative.  If we can take one verb shift and turn it into a whole paper, we can sure as shit spot when a paper does not sound like its author.  (Undergraduates are pack animals: cute, cuddly, and pretty predictable in speech, writing, and thought.)

No woman, no cry: no copy and paste, no proof.  So now you know why we really hate plagiarism and how we really detect it.  Here’s the unbeatable way around plagiarism: the way that you will never get caught.  Stop copying and pasting.  Stop paying former subjects of the British Crown to do your work.

Plagiarism is a very serious charge to level against a student.  That same faceless bureaucrat who holds our job security in their hands does not want to get sued by you, the student, because of a false accusation.  I may know, to my bones, that you’ve plagiarized: I may dock as many points as I can to compensate myself for the lost minutes I spent investigating your paper on Google and SafeCheck.  If I can’t prove it, though, if I can’t print it the proof and highlight it, I’m not filling out an academic dishonesty form.  Bottom line.

Do yourself a favor and hire a professional, preferably an English-speaking one. Better yet, hire an Unemployed Professor who’ll have the cultural literacy to know that when you need a paper on someone with excellent leadership skills, you mean Jason Varitek and not Adolf Hitler (true story).



Risk and Reward in Your Undergraduate Career

Grades are important, right?
More important than anything, right?
No, wrong. Sometimes you have to take risks that may result in a slightly lower grade for a bigger post-college reward. It’s easy enough to cram all the stuff you need for a multiple-choice exam. It’s a lot harder to weave a basket. The distinction is critical. In college, you are most likely to be handed a multiple-choice exam because they’re easy to create, easy to grade, and the grading can be done by a machine or that machine called a teaching assistant.

After college, no one is going to give you a multiple-choice test. You will be expected to weave exceptional baskets in huge quantities in very short times. If you’re in computer science, you know the enormous difference between regurgitating syntax rules and writing a program that actually works. If you’re in math, you know the enormous difference between spouting back an old theorem and discovering and proving a new one.

Even in the allegedly “softer” fields, the distinction applies. In some staff departments in some corporations, you may be asked to write research studies, but in most of them most of the time, you will be managing for results.

The upshot: work on mastering the material, even if cramming and forgetting will get you a slightly better grade right now. You’ll trade a few tenths of a point for a much more solid career.

Finally, if you want your prof to notice you, make introductions for you, find you internships, and so on, master the material. Most profs are good at spotting “skaters” and will not go out of their way to help them.

Comparing the G7 Educational Systems Part-1

UnemployedProfessor(light brown)
The term G7 sounds like a computer chip, but it is actually a nickname for the “Group of 7” countries: The U.S., Japan, France, Germany, Italy, U.K., and Canada. Famous for their higher levels of economic development compared to other nations, these countries also have highly developed educational systems. If you want to work in one of these nations, you would do well to familiarize yourself with their educational systems, since a degree from one of these systems will improve your odds of being able to work in these countries.

                In the United States, schools exist in three main forms: primary, secondary, and post-secondary (or tertiary). Primary generally runs from kindergarten to around grade 8. Then, all students go to secondary, commonly known as high school, which is usually grades 9-12. The states have wide latitude for outlining their requirements, and there is a significant amount of standardized testing, which varies based on the city, state, and national mandates at the time. Due to the No Child Left Behind Act, all states must test children, but there is no major national test required. You have probably heard of the SAT or ACT, but these tests are generally given to assess college readiness – they are not school-leaving requirements. Upon leaving high school, students who want to continue their educations have a wide range of options [[LINK TO BLOG ABOUT IVY vs COMMUNITY COLLEGE}.  Most areas have community colleges, or junior colleges that allow students to take prerequisite courses. All states have public institutions funded in part by the state (though nationwide, state appropriations have been declining rapidly). Two-year degrees are called Associate’s degrees, and four-year degrees are usually called bachelor’s degrees. While these degrees are often completed in 2 or 4 years, many people may take longer due to changing their area of study. The area of study a student chooses is usually called a “major,” and he or she can have the option of supplementing it with a “minor.” The type of degree a school can award is based on its accreditation. Private schools are the same, although the majority offer four-year degrees. These schools, generally far more expensive than public ones, are not generally funded by the state, although they may receive federal student funds for students eligible for financial aid. After the four-year degree, some institutions offer master’s or doctoral degrees. Master’s degrees are usually two to three years, and doctoral degrees vary widely. Education in the United States is highly diverse and politicized, and changing rapidly. Citizens of the United States are largely very dissatisfied with the cost of higher education and the diminishing job opportunities available to college graduates. The situation may change rapidly in the next few years.

                Meanwhile, across the pond in the United Kingdom, the higher education system is fed into by the national education system. Students in the UK achieve further education qualifications like the A-levels, the International Baccalaureate, Scottish Highers, or qualifications from abroad that allow them to enter university. There are two main forms of higher education in the UK: Undergraduate and postgraduate. Undergraduate education includes bachelor’s degrees, which are similar to those of the U.S. except they generally take three, not four years to complete. Degrees also have distinctions such as ordinary or Honours. Undergraduate degrees are classified as follows: First class honours (a “first”), second class honours, upper division (2:1), second class honours, lower division (2:2), third class honours (a “third”), or an ordinary degree (a pass). The higher the class of honours, the greater one’s academic distinction. The honours system is generally used for three-year undergraduate degrees.

Another UK degree is the Foundation degree, which is awarded after the first two years of an Honours degree. However, it includes work-based learning sponsored by an employer. A student’s area of study is known as a course. A DipHE (or Diploma of Higher Education) course is roughly akin to the American Associate’s degree in that it is a two-year, foundational degree (though not a Foundation degree) and can be used to transfer into a four-year course. These, too, are often job-related. Common fields for this degree include nursing and social work. A certificate of Higher Education is equivalent to the first year of an Honours degree, and are considered the most basic post-secondary educational qualification. They can be used to transfer into university-level studies, or for career changes. Finally, a Higher National Diploma (HND) is a two-year course that can, with enough success, lead to a third-year of the degree. These different diplomas comprise the various offerings at the undergraduate level, but the postgraduate level has its own opportunities. For example, there are master’s degree courses, MBA courses, PhD’s / doctorates (only available for those who achieve at least a 2:1 result), and numerous postgraduate diplomas and qualifications. Professional and vocational qualifications are available, as are conversion courses. Although the UK is smaller than the US, there are still numerous educational opportunities in a variety of topics.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

Unemployed Professors is Hiring

Hello Academic Writers,

hope this finds you well,

 UP holdings is proudly launching its most recent revamped website in the ghost writing business by the beginning of Sept and would like to invite you to be one of the “professors” writers for the firm.

 The new remodelled website (we’ve been in business for a long time) is presently in its final phase of development and already started running a Beta test version. The venture will be operated under the copyrighted brand Unemployed Professors just like now with total online operations on www.UnemployedProfessors.com. There’s an ingenious content and story behind the brand that will be communicated to our client students. Unemployed Professor is the character behind this splendidly put marketing scheme; who is an intellectually snob mercenary. The content of the site is satirical and comically put with the professor’s sharp wit.

 Modus Operandi: 1) The students will visit the site and post their projects. 2) An automatic email will be sent to all the professors (Writers) who have been hired and are part of our team. 3) The professors will bid on the project (if he/she choses to of course). 4) The student chooses a winner and grants the project to a professor of his choice.

 We hire only graduate degree holders willing to demonstrate continuous dedication, marked responsibility, and to maintain high standards when working for the top academic assistance company on the market. If you’re certain you meet these criteria, and are seeking a highly paid freelance writing job, please get back to us with your full name, a recent resume and sample writing, in order for the team here to go over it.

 The management team here doubtlessly foresees the problem of demand exceeding the supply; nevertheless, our hiring procedures will be scrupulous and highly stringent and illiberal. We are promoting “crème de la crème” writers to our students hence the rigid conformity to requirements and the firm’s principles.

Our benefits

  • Choose from hundreds of orders added every day
  • Decide your own compensation when bidding for each order
  • Work whenever YOU want
  • Directly communicate with students through a private chat forum
  • Choose only papers/projects YOU feel like working on
  • Rate your clients after each completed project, just as they rate you
  • Get paid as soon as the project is uploaded to the client


contact info@unemployedprofessors.com for employment

 Thanks in advance,

The Unemployed Professors team


Rebuttal : “Don’t feel like writing that essay? Pay an unemployed Professor to do it for you”

Unemployed Professors Student Writing ServicesIt’s tough being an Unemployed Professor. First, you’re a professor, so you automatically have bad hair, worse clothes, terrible taste in music, a family to support, and, most likely, an impressive pile of student loans to pay off. Second, you’re unemployed, so your ivory tower is basically a tattered cardboard box under a campus bridge. And third, you get a lot of hate when you decide to take the corporate approach to the university to its logical conclusion because you need to pay your bills. Well, haters gonna hate. Last year’s article by Nadine Kalinauskas is one such example of the animosity heaped onto us Unemployed Professors.

The article describes the effect of this site by claiming it diminishes the value of a university degree, asserting that our plucky little start-up is singlehandedly diminishing the incredible, life-changing value of a four-year degree. This prospect is laughable, considering we are applying our devalued postgraduate university degrees to do one of the few things we are really, really good at (e.g., writing and researching). The university system has already failed us professors. Truly, the world seems shocked by the power of the pen (or keyboard, or stylus, or whatever the kids are paying us to use these days).

But for the moment, let’s ignore the plight of the professoriate; today, let’s look at the students. Other writers have described the types of students who have used similar services. Let’s think about this. Is the North American university pocketing tens of thousands of dollars for the foreign student with no English skills not devaluing its own degrees? What about the university whose students are forced to complete meaningless busywork to fulfill breadth requirements? What about the university supporting “students” on sports teams who are shuffled into what I will politely call lightweight majors, who have an army of personal tutors and other attendants essentially or literally doing their work for them? Is the university truly helping the token first generation admits, who have no idea how to function in a college or university setting and are left to drift, alone?

Thanks for the credit, Nadine, but we are simply humble Unemployed Professors, not wizards. If we could value and devalue things with our magisterial essay writing skills, we would be applying those skills to the stock market, not universities.

As an Official Unemployed Professor, I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen the tears and sweat pouring off late-night messages from students whose professors won’t answer their questions or meet with them. I’ve squinted in befuddlement at unnecessarily complicated, poorly written instructions for assignments and term papers that required things like 10 secondary sources in a 3 page paper that also meaningfully discusses two novels. I’ve tried to make sense of feedback on papers that consisted entirely of check marks and inscrutable squiggles. I’ve helped students write emails to deans so they could contest grades and complain about professors who never came to office hours.  I have been asked to read, critique and edit a student’s term paper before submission; these students take their work seriously and in the process, they learn to be better writers. It is wrong to surmise that I create papers and that the student simply delivers the final work; the process is usually extremely beneficial to the student. If used as intended, Unemployed Professors offers students the chance of having a mentor that actually shows up and truly cares!

The problem is not entirely with us. The problem is not entirely with the students who request our services (and, for the record, these students also agree to abide by our terms and conditions). The problem is not even entirely with the Gainfully Employed Professors. If anything, we Unemployed Professors should be celebrated for our ingenuity, entrepreneurial spirit, and ability to monetize our skills. If we are going to live in a society that values profit and only profit, then we need to acknowledge and prize all institutions that turn a profit. That includes both universities and service industries that are ancillary to the university, like late-night pizza delivery, laundry services, used textbook exchanges, outline banks, or Unemployed Professors.

Demonizing the Unemployed Professors is not the solution. Removing the profit motive from education is. Since that will never happen, we remain in an incredibly competitive educational and professional context – and our site prides itself on helping students remain on the playing field of a highly corrupt system. By providing model, sample assignments, we help students obtain the credential they need to compete in today’s world– just like test prep classes, just like tutors, just like study aids.

If you’re a student, consider how we might help you (we offer a wide variety of student writing services that goes beyond providing model assignments). If you’re an administrator of a university, consider what you’re doing to ensure that we exist. And if you’re someone looking to point fingers, look at the larger context we all live in.

Deleuzienne’s tips for college term paper writing

A while back, my colleague Professor Rogue noted, astutely, that you can’t really beat TurnitIn.com – it’s like death and taxes. Like death and taxes, term paper season has come upon us once again, leaving many a student to ask, “How can I beat TurnItIn? How can I write an awesome, A+ paper? How can I get an A on this paper?”

Since I taught college for so many years, I wanted to use this blog post to offer my best tips for paper writing. When I teach, if my students do these things, they generally get an A: this is basically how to get an A paper in Deleuzienne’s class.


  1. Sources. Half the battle is having good backup troops, right? You need good sources. Your professor probably has a tattoo on his ugly mug saying “NO WIKIPEDIA,” but beyond that, don’t use content farms like eHow, HowStuffWorks, etc. If the site pays anyone to write “content” – with one notable exception – it’s not a good source. Sometimes the only way to do it is to man up and delve into the library, that moldy, dusty building where the nerds hang out (and occasionally, where they film the porn). Sometimes you just need to log on. Those databases cost a fortune and that’s where about .001% of your tuition goes to, so make friends with them. EBSCOhost, JSTOR, PsychOnline, whatever. If it’s not published in a peer-review journal, don’t bother. The good news: You can often get the gist of an article from the “abstract,” a brief summary that appears at the beginning of the article. Sometimes that’s all you really need to read!
  2. Citations. Sometimes, the most important part of an assignment isn’t what you have to say or how you say it: it’s your adherence to whatever obscure style reminds your professor of his glory days in the Ivy League. Lots of professors might only care about how well you cite sources and whether you get the commas and periods and dashes and italics right in the works cited. However, do not despair. There are numerous options for creating perfect citations. One is to ask for some help. Another is to use an auto citation generator, like EasyBib.com.  Finally, some word processors even have citation management tools.
  3.  A strong thesis. In general, what you argue is less important than how you argue it, but to get an A paper, your professor should know exactly what you argue in the paper. Some students seem afraid to argue anything they think the professor will disagree with. While we all love to have our egos stroked this way – it is why we became professors – it doesn’t really matter.
  4. Good structure. This sounds like a no-brainer, but the students who get A’s in my classes don’t reinvent the wheel. Intro, main points, conclusion and out. No meandering, no digressions, no FDA-approved textual filler.
  5. Good use of sources. This might be the hardest. You need to use your troops strategically, right? So deploy them in a strategic way. Have front line sources, backup sources, mechanical robot with machine gun sources that take out your opponent. Massage them in with a rhetorical flourish that would make Derrida giggle. And all professors can spot gratuitous quotes from a mile away, so don’t do that.
  6. Good writing. This is easier said than done (or written, I suppose), and I know that it’s difficult for many people – it’s why you might want to get help. Often, universities will have a writing center where the nice employees will read over your paper and offer suggestions (though they seldom offer proofreading). I can’t speak for all of my colleagues, and I’m no grammar Nazi. If a paper is good overall, I can look the other way for some misused commas or a couple typos. But then again, if your writing has so many errors I can’t figure out what you mean, we have an issue, because I will always assume you mean the dumbest possible option.
  7. Nice presentation throughout. If I want to put on gloves and scrub with Purell before touching your paper, it doesn’t bode well for my general disposition as I read. Clean paper, clean printing, and professional formatting all go a long way.
  8. Stay in contact with your professor. Your professor rarely leaves the house and has no friends, so he or she anxiously awaits your emails. All right, maybe that’s a big of an exaggeration, but run some ideas by him or her. Take note of the comments. Do what he or she or he says, since they’re the one grading you.


Of course, a Benjamin discretely paper-clipped to the last page doesn’t hurt, either, but nobody’s tried that in any of my classes. Yet. And if you’re spending big on bribing the professor, why not hedge your bet and have a pro help you out?