Learn more about our professors!

Come check out our reddit AMA

God's touch11

Too busy browsing /r/gonewild?

Broke your arms and mom won’t help with your homework? No time to write your paper because you’re on a Colby rescue mission? Don’t worry, Unemployed Professors has your back! Our writers have PhD degrees from top American universities, and they will make sure you get the highest quality work, completed before your deadline, at competitive prices. We’ll write you anything you want, at any level or in any style you require. Everything we write is 100% custom written for you, and guaranteed to pass TurnItIn.

Want to learn more about our professors? Come check out our AMA at http://reddit.com/r/IAmA on Monday September 8 at 1pm PST. Ask us anything you like!

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going to graduate school

The Winner Takes All

imagesK2RQ71JLGoing to graduate school is generally a bad idea for at least 100 reasons – this I learned much too late in my career. As I learn to adapt to the current job market I find myself reflecting on the path that brought me to Unemployed Professors. My personal route started in some very humble beginnings and took me through a variety of academic situations around the globe. These experiences have left me with little faith in the U.S. higher education system. You may think that this view is jaded, but I am perfectly happy with my successive approximations of reality.

I believe that there are more than 100 reasons not to go to graduate school, all of which can be translated into reasons why undergraduate education is a bad deal for many. The one reason that tends to float to the top of the frothy head inside my mind is that the winner takes all in the world of academics. This is similar to pedigree, but applies to those who have managed to bypass those invisible barriers. Education is very much unlike the business world (although this is rapidly changing) in that one doesn’t need to be a high-level executive to make more than a living wage.

Think about high school. In practice, the faculty teaches two types of students, college bound and not college bound. This means that the educational resources go to the college bound, who are likely from relatively privileged parents. For those not going to college, the difference is negligible between the passing and top grade in a class.

This same grading structure applies in the universities. Sure, there is the priceless satisfaction of a job well done and some intellectual enlightenment, if you are lucky; however, for most students their only reasonable expectation is higher earning potential. And from what I have seen along the way here, this is the desire of most college students.

The odds are stacked against you. To think otherwise is to be foolish. If you are not a white male, then things are even worse.

For many universities, your return on investment is diminishingly small. It’s worse if you go to a community college for anything other than a trade. I usually tell most struggling students to go become a skilled tradesman – there’s more work, money, and job satisfaction.

My peers who have received the most benefits out of their higher education were born into a world of academics and/or privilege of some sort. Their parents are mainly educators, professors, doctors, and lawyers. College is easy for them because they have already learned everything they needed to know before you even thought college might be an option.

Those who already have the most benefits will continue to receive the most benefits.

I have yet to see any students become substantially recognized and rewarded for climbing out of failure and into top-level grades and marks. This is a crying shame because it is these people who have truly shown exceptional intellect and motivation. Only the awarded get awarded. If you were not the head of your class as a young teenager, do not expect much in the way of scholarships, fellowships, awards, citations, etc.

Do not expect your boss to care that you earned the highest grade in your epistemology course. Hell, most public school districts in the U.S. could care less about their teacher’s own grades. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule, but I am not talking about the tail end of the distribution.

Higher education has no place for students who are not already in first place. It is nearly analogous to why the rich become richer and the poor become poorer. But there is one crucial difference: Those at the top of the academic pile literally get everything and everybody else gets almost nothing – there is nothing in between. You can have good ideas; but, if they are not the best ideas, then you can expect no reward.

And guess what? The best ideas are not the best ideas. We all know this, but it doesn’t matter much. What matters in academics is if you have the privilege and prestige to back your ideas. These people get the very best resources, i.e. Ivy League and top government schools, while the rest of us can only ever hope to have one or two professors who care. I used to wonder why the professors at the top schools were the worst instructors. I now know that this is a stupid question; these students already have the necessary knowledge and background needed to succeed.

The best professors are at many community colleges. Period. These are the academics who entered the game for the right reasons: 1) They care about intellectual enlightenment. 2) They believe in equitable distribution of higher education. 3) They enjoy helping people achieve and overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. Coincidentally, these are the same reasons that ensure faculty failure at the best universities. Unfortunately, the community college students are not literate enough to understand this and the community college system is constructed in such a way that faculty are intellectually and academically castrated. At one community college, I was told that they do not normally hire PhD’s because they tend to overthink the job. I had to dumb down the way that I spoke to the hiring administration for fear of not getting the job. It is a depressing situation.

Universities have become quasi-trade schools for careers with no futures. In fact, a lot them started out as trade schools, uh, I mean, colleges for teachers. You are not walking into an environment that fosters enlightened discourse. You are entering a group that is a distribution between the extremes of people who like to party and those who simply want a well-paying job. Yes, there are a few students who have deluded themselves into believing that they are intellectuals. I say do not believe everything you think.

How do we accommodate all of these lovely students without failing everybody and collapsing the university system? We do this with grade inflation, student loans, and government grants. This means that most students need to get past some dickhead professor to get a degree that is effectively worthless.

The devalued bachelor’s degree has simply become another obstacle in life. Chances are that your new employer after college will not care about your sense of equality, imagination, creative writing skills, and so on. Your degree in anthropology only qualifies you to dig holes in the real world. Got a master’s degree in anthropology? Bigger holes. And guess what again? You will most likely end up with a boss that has the intellectual appetite of a goat and the human resource skills of Darth Vader.

At this point in my career, questioning the ethics of buying a model paper/essay is mooted by reality. To succeed in a situation where the winner takes all, one must not play by the rules. Disclaimer: However, you should keep it legal.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

Petra-Pirate

June 19, 2014

The Art of Unlearning

AToffler_fullThe illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn.
–Alvin Toffler

No matter how many papers you buy from us, you’re going to have to learn the stuff that applies to your hoped-for career sometime. In the 21st century, that includes the ability to unlearn. Particularly in technical fields, stuff happens, and stuff unhappens. The pace of change of knowledge is speeding up all the time, and employers demand an ability to at least marginally keep up.

Which means that technical info, How (Your) Stuff Works, and programming languages and techniques are going to change, and change fast, and that is not going to stop during your career. Learn how to forget. The easiest way to do this is to deliberately replace old knowledge with new. Have short-term mantras – “There are no curly braces in Python” – and after a few hours, you will forget the idea that there ever could be curly braces in Python. Discard the mantra, and discard the obsolete no-longer-knowledege.

 

How to be a Better Plagiarizer

Referal-Page

The Real Reasons Your Professor Doesn’t Want You To Plagiarize.

Every semester around Week 12, I roll out my super-deluxe “Why You Should Not Plagiarize” lecture.  It’s a riotous good time for all involved: there are thrills, there are cliff-hangers, there are built-in drum rolls.  Every student in attendance leaves the classroom 100% pumped to write their own work and not plagiarize.  Until 10 days later when they turn in their research paper and then we get to have that really awkward conversation in my office as my lunch wilts in the corner of my windowless cubicle.

I’ve been doing this a while.  I’ve been busting plagiarists a while.  And check me out getting in on the ground floor of this plagiarism business here!  If you really want to know why your professors care about plagiarism so much, read on.

Ethics shmethics.  Professors want you to turn in your own work because you’re supposed to learn and because someday you might be the one resuscitating us in the ER.  Blah blah blah.  Your thesis on Wordsworth won’t save lives.  No new ground here.  You knew this one already.

Blame it on the Man.  Everybody has a boss, including us.  Plagiarism is one coefficient in a vast equation that keeps the university credible: if too many students plagiarize, the whole thing capsizes, and we’re on the streets.  They call it ‘losing accreditation’ or some such nonsense.  Enter institutional mandates, departmental meetings, subcommittees, and lengthy statements we’re required to copy and paste into our syllabi.

Some of my colleagues really care about students doing their own work.  They can’t believe students would pass up the amazing opportunity to do the work assigned to them and that they’ve paid for the privilege to complete.  Then there are the rest of us: we’re supposed to bust you, we work on a semester-to-semester contract (this means shit benefits [go, Union!] and no job security), and we worry there might be some faceless bureaucrat tracking how many of you we do bust and factoring that into our future rehire.  Which brings me to my next point.

Don’t make it so goddamn easy to bust you.  If you turn in a paper copied and pasted off Wikipedia (it’s really helpful when you leave the hyperlinks intact or the URL right above your name), we have no choice but to act (see that bit I just mentioned about the faceless bureaucrat holding our rehire in their hands).

And that’s when I personally get pissed off.  Because you broke my cynical little Daria-heart with your plagiarizing?  Because now I know all those times you smiled and nodded during class you were just plotting your evil plagiarist takeover?  No: it’s a much simpler math than that.

Time, like matter, is neither created nor destroyed.  Those two and a half hours you saved yourself by downloading some piece of shit from CheatHouse now cost me two and a half hours as I have to download the academic dishonesty form, climb two flights of stairs to retrieve it from an office that actually has a printer, fill in and sign said form, print out a copy of your original CheatHouse mess, highlight the areas of similarity in both documents, email you, set up a meeting with you, actually attend my own office hours, listen earnestly as you pretend you had no idea how this happened, campus mail a report to my Associate Dean and the Dean of Students, and keep two copies for my records for at least a semester.  Did you see how long that sentence was?  Multiply that by 3-4 students per class and 5 sections in a good semester.  Do you know now why professors hate plagiarism?

Graduate school installs Turnitin.com inside every Professor’s brain.  You’re probably beginning to see now that professors are just like you.  We like craft beer, we zone out too much in front of Netflix, and we live our lives to generate as many really awesome Facebook updates as possible.  We are just like you—except in one really important way when it comes to plagiarism.  Professors love language, and we spent the best part of our reproductive years reading books: reading motherfucking books instead of carousing, eating Bdubs, and honing our amateur porn star skillz.  Books.  I know.  What a wasted youth.

Now that you know this, you will know how I always bust students for plagiarism.  Language.  It is like an internal, always updated, never-fail Turnitin.com installed in my brain.  If you’re plagiarizing something from The New York Times, that section of your paper will sound just like The New York Times.  If your English 101 paper uses the word “phenomenology” and it doesn’t have to, I’ll know it for the JSTOR rip-off that it is.  If your paper happens to drop a “hitherto” or “hereunder,” I’ll know that, on the other side of the world, some poor resident of a former-English speaking colony is truly grateful for the $12 you kicked their way in exchange for writing your paper for you.

Remember this as your plagiarism credo: my professors are and are not like me.  These days, we’re poring over climate models to pick the best spot on which to erect our eco-bunkers and wait out global warming (the good spots called “refugias” and I’m not telling where mine is).  Back in the day, though, we wrote whole undergraduate papers on one use of the past progressive tense in an early colonial captivity narrative.  If we can take one verb shift and turn it into a whole paper, we can sure as shit spot when a paper does not sound like its author.  (Undergraduates are pack animals: cute, cuddly, and pretty predictable in speech, writing, and thought.)

No woman, no cry: no copy and paste, no proof.  So now you know why we really hate plagiarism and how we really detect it.  Here’s the unbeatable way around plagiarism: the way that you will never get caught.  Stop copying and pasting.  Stop paying former subjects of the British Crown to do your work.

Plagiarism is a very serious charge to level against a student.  That same faceless bureaucrat who holds our job security in their hands does not want to get sued by you, the student, because of a false accusation.  I may know, to my bones, that you’ve plagiarized: I may dock as many points as I can to compensate myself for the lost minutes I spent investigating your paper on Google and SafeCheck.  If I can’t prove it, though, if I can’t print it the proof and highlight it, I’m not filling out an academic dishonesty form.  Bottom line.

Do yourself a favor and hire a professional, preferably an English-speaking one. Better yet, hire an Unemployed Professor who’ll have the cultural literacy to know that when you need a paper on someone with excellent leadership skills, you mean Jason Varitek and not Adolf Hitler (true story).

Peace,

BettiePages

Differences Between Ivy League and Community Colleges

Differences between ivy league and community colleges

PartyorPaper

Picking a college is overwhelming enough – even more so if you consider the fact that in the United States, there were 6,742 colleges (including two-year, four-year, and other) as of 2009. What are the different types of colleges? Where should you even start looking?

                Everyone has heard of Harvard. The myth stands tall in an ivory tower looming over people’s perceptions of their futures; Harvard is so famous that it is far more than a university. Harvard is part of the Ivy League, which is actually a collegiate sports conference comprising what are arguably the eight most prestigious private schools in the United States: Harvard, Dartmouth, Brown, Yale, Columbia, Princeton, Penn (The University of Pennsylvania), and Cornell. These schools are famous for their centuries-long histories, the historical leaders they’ve produced, their cutting-edge research, their cut-throat admissions, and of course, their jaw-dropping tuition price tags. Many people take it as a given that once someone gets into the Ivy League, they’re “set for life.” It cannot be denied that rubbing elbows or at least playing beer pong with tomorrow’s leaders will build one’s network in a way that is hard to rival. On the other hand, increasing numbers of accepted Ivy Leaguers are turning down admissions offers due to sticker-shock at the $50,000+ price tags. 

                At the other end of the educational spectrum are community colleges. In the United States, these educational institutions – also known as junior colleges or technical colleges – have largely open enrolment. In some ways, they have become community centers, as they now teach basic skills, ESL, vocational topics, and even personal enrichment classes such as art. Unlike traditional four-year schools, these colleges generally have no dorms and often cater to the scheduling needs of working students. But don’t write off these schools – community colleges mint very successful people too, and some Ivy League grads don’t go on to fame and fortune. For example, some famous community college alums include Walt Disney, poet Gwendolyn Brooks, former Congressman Jim Wright (who, in true politician style, resigned in disgrace due to the savings & loan scandals), perennial presidential candidate Ross Perot, actor James Dean, journalist Jim Lehrer, actor Clint Eastwood, director George Lucas, Billy Crystal, and, of course, Sarah Palin, to name only a few. Humbler and more bare-bones than their Ivy League cousins, community colleges are great places to get prerequisite classes out of the way or explore courses in a few majors you can’t decide among.

                Complicating things still further is the fact that in between your local community college and Harvard lie thousands of high-quality educational institutions, each of which would love to have you as a student (and would love to cash your tuition checks). Whether you pick Princeton, Harvard or Nowheresville Community College, what you get out of your education and network is proportional to the effort you put into it.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

First Semester: How to Prepare and What to Expect

99problems
The beginning of anything can be a scary process. The first semester of school can be overwhelming, since it usually means its’ the first time you live away from home and are paying for your education. The stakes are high. But even if you’re a veteran student, read on for some tips on how to prepare and what to expect. That way, if this is your first semester or your fiftieth (hey, no judging), you’ll make this term the best one yet.

The most important ways to prepare for the first semester are to reduce surprises, be organized, and be proactive. What does this mean? Visit the bookstore as soon as you know what classes you’re taking, and look for the books you’re required to buy. If necessary, email your professors and ask if an older version of the book will suffice – this can save you big bucks! Remember, the earlier you investigate your books, the better your odds of getting a deal on a used copy! Don’t be afraid to email your professor or TA, even if just to introduce yourself. Talk to some returning students and ask about things like shortcuts across campus (valuable if you oversleep!), best places to get used books, and of course, the classes and professors they’d recommend! Remember, it’s the little things that can really wreck your day: showing up late to class, going to the wrong building or classroom, or parking in the wrong place. These minor mishaps can chip away at your motivation and academic success.

The day before classes begin, walk to each of your classrooms. Make sure you know where each is, and get an idea for how long it will take you to “commute” from your dorm or home to class. Scope out parking and make sure you understand campus parking policies if you’re driving – nothing’s worse than coming back to your car after a long day to find a parking ticket! Be sure to clarify if any buildings have similar names (for example, East Hall and West Hall). Look at the classrooms and ask yourself where you think you should sit to be as successful as possible. Do you feel inspired if you can see your professor’s nose hair? Do you concentrate better in the back of a lecture hall? Is there a loud, throbbing heater on the left side of your classroom? Develop a first-day game plan! Also, if you’re a procrastinator, make sure you know where all the university computer labs are, and their printing policies. Many professors – myself included – have zero tolerance for printing or computer mishaps, so you’ll want to be sure your assignments are printed and ready to go. You’ll want a backup plan in case your printer malfunctions or you just forget to buy more paper. Many universities give you a certain number of free pages printed each term anyway, so maybe you can skip buying the ink and get some beer instead.

On the first day of classes, don’t just sit and listen to your professor yammer about the class. Look at the syllabus. Write down due dates for major assignments and exams now – and program them into your phone! You might even want to “trick” yourself by programming in a due date that’s a little earlier to ensure you don’t miss a deadline. Enter in reading assignments, too, and if there’s a day with no reading or assignments, get ahead! It might take a couple hours to enter every due date for every assignment, but not missing deadlines will pay off in the end. Network, too! The first day is a good day to scope out your classmates. Don’t just look for the most attractive person. Consider who might be a useful contact if you miss class or have to do a group project. The geek in the back might really be helpful.

During the first week, or as soon as you can, meet with your advisor. Each school advises its students differently, but no matter what, make sure that you understand what credits you will earn this term and where you’re at in terms of graduation timelines. Ask what requirements you are fulfilling and which remain. Have your advisor run through a variety of scenarios with you so you know what your options are and you know what the consequences of your choices are. Be proactive! After all, this isn’t just school. It is your future. By making sure you are organized and proactive, reducing the possibility of surprises, and asking for help when you need it, you can be prepared for success this semester – and every other term.

If you need help with an essay or term paper post your project on unemployed professors today!

How to Buy a Term Paper

strugglingstudent

• What to look for in an author
• What should you expect to pay
• Could I get caught
• Does the site assure your privacy
• What degree of quality should I expect

Not many people talk about how to buy a term paper. The process itself may seem cloaked in mystery – something totally transgressive. After all, you can’t exactly ask your teachers or professors – or sometimes even your friends – how to go about buying a paper. But today, I am going to shed light on this mystery and talk about the process.
On our site, the process of buying a paper begins with bidding. You post a project, and we desperate, shivering, starving, borderline autistic professors place a bid. How to pick the best professor? Obviously I think you should pick me, but if we’re going to be objective, you should pay attention to how the bidders communicate with you during the bidding process.

Do they attach notes to their bids, such as qualifications, questions, or ideas? Do they follow up on their bid and offer more information or questions? Do they respond in a timely manner if you have questions? Don’t be afraid to ask potential writers what direction they will go in with the piece, and don’t be afraid to ask them if they’ve done similar work. For obvious reasons, we’re not going to send you our resumes, and we can’t always send prior work (privacy concerns), but your ideal writer would offer experience. On our site, the writers have profiles that outline their areas of expertise, as well as feedback from prior clients.

Then your next step is to pick the winner. Of course, on all sites, you can evaluate prices (or bids if the site uses a bidding system). Obviously, many people want to pay the least amount possible. This makes a lot of sense – you’re already paying through the nose for college; why pay more? However, in many ways in life, you get what you pay for. After all, if your writer is worth his salt, he’s an expert with a degree and a ton of experience. He’s able to get sources you need. And if he is really a professor, he is sort of putting his ass on the line for you due to the unethical nature of his using his education to earn money at a fair wage.

Therefore, a minimum of $20-$25 a page is average. If other people charge less, you should proceed with caution: no offense to our fine friends around the globe, but very low prices can be a red flag that the writer lives in a country with a very low cost of living and may not have reliable Internet access, English skills, or experience. Especially if your paper is due in fewer than 24 hours, you should expect to pay a premium.

Unfortunately, few paper writing services actually offer time machine services at this time, so the best we can do if something is due yesterday is to motivate staff with decent pay. For urgent jobs, you can expect as much as $50 a page. Here’s the life lesson for this paragraph: Planning ahead will save you money!

Of course, we also understand buying a paper is a nerve-wracking process. Sometimes clients anxiously ask, “Could I get caught if I buy a term paper?” Nothing in life is without risk, but a 100% original, custom-written term paper is going to pass Turnitin.com. Some customers provide writing samples to their writer so he or she can try to sound like you. Others take a day or so and edit the paper so they feel comfortable putting their name on it. Still others bring it to their course director, TA, etc., for comments and revisions.

I can’t speak for our competitors, but the large number of repeat clients on UnemployedProfessors would seem to serve as useful data that nobody is getting “caught.” After all, technically speaking, you are only purchasing a sample paper. In that vein, the site protects your privacy as well as the writer’s. The logins are secure, payment methods are encrypted, and frankly, the less we know about you, the better. To get some extra peace of mind, you might want to omit your name or identifying information from anything you upload (e.g., a syllabus or emails from your professor). We can’t speak for our competitors, but most of the time, writers on our site never even learn your name (unless you use your real name as a username…which…okay, if you want to, that’s cool).

Now for the question you really want answered. What degree of quality should I expect from a paper I buy? The answer for our clients tends to be “The highest, duh!” Some clients want something that’s “good, but not too good.” In any case, communication is key. Don’t be afraid to communicate with your writer, and even after the project is uploaded, most writers are willing to do a round or two of revisions. Also, keep in mind that the finished product will be largely affected by the information you give your writer. If your professor specifically said not to make a certain argument or to definitely use a particular source, tell your writer.

Hopefully this overview has helped you get a better idea of what to expect when you decide to buy a term paper.

So go ahead and post your essay today!

Unemployed Professors is Hiring

Hello Academic Writers,

hope this finds you well,

 UP holdings is proudly launching its most recent revamped website in the ghost writing business by the beginning of Sept and would like to invite you to be one of the “professors” writers for the firm.

 The new remodelled website (we’ve been in business for a long time) is presently in its final phase of development and already started running a Beta test version. The venture will be operated under the copyrighted brand Unemployed Professors just like now with total online operations on www.UnemployedProfessors.com. There’s an ingenious content and story behind the brand that will be communicated to our client students. Unemployed Professor is the character behind this splendidly put marketing scheme; who is an intellectually snob mercenary. The content of the site is satirical and comically put with the professor’s sharp wit.

 Modus Operandi: 1) The students will visit the site and post their projects. 2) An automatic email will be sent to all the professors (Writers) who have been hired and are part of our team. 3) The professors will bid on the project (if he/she choses to of course). 4) The student chooses a winner and grants the project to a professor of his choice.

 We hire only graduate degree holders willing to demonstrate continuous dedication, marked responsibility, and to maintain high standards when working for the top academic assistance company on the market. If you’re certain you meet these criteria, and are seeking a highly paid freelance writing job, please get back to us with your full name, a recent resume and sample writing, in order for the team here to go over it.

 The management team here doubtlessly foresees the problem of demand exceeding the supply; nevertheless, our hiring procedures will be scrupulous and highly stringent and illiberal. We are promoting “crème de la crème” writers to our students hence the rigid conformity to requirements and the firm’s principles.

Our benefits

  • Choose from hundreds of orders added every day
  • Decide your own compensation when bidding for each order
  • Work whenever YOU want
  • Directly communicate with students through a private chat forum
  • Choose only papers/projects YOU feel like working on
  • Rate your clients after each completed project, just as they rate you
  • Get paid as soon as the project is uploaded to the client

WE DO NOT HAVE SET PRICES FOR ORDERS – DECIDE YOUR PRICE – GET PAID INSTANTAEOUSLY 

contact info@unemployedprofessors.com for employment

 Thanks in advance,

The Unemployed Professors team

 

Deleuzienne’s tips for college term paper writing


A while back, my colleague Professor Rogue noted, astutely, that you can’t really beat TurnitIn.com – it’s like death and taxes. Like death and taxes, term paper season has come upon us once again, leaving many a student to ask, “How can I beat TurnItIn? How can I write an awesome, A+ paper? How can I get an A on this paper?”

Since I taught college for so many years, I wanted to use this blog post to offer my best tips for paper writing. When I teach, if my students do these things, they generally get an A: this is basically how to get an A paper in Deleuzienne’s class.

 

  1. Sources. Half the battle is having good backup troops, right? You need good sources. Your professor probably has a tattoo on his ugly mug saying “NO WIKIPEDIA,” but beyond that, don’t use content farms like eHow, HowStuffWorks, etc. If the site pays anyone to write “content” – with one notable exception – it’s not a good source. Sometimes the only way to do it is to man up and delve into the library, that moldy, dusty building where the nerds hang out (and occasionally, where they film the porn). Sometimes you just need to log on. Those databases cost a fortune and that’s where about .001% of your tuition goes to, so make friends with them. EBSCOhost, JSTOR, PsychOnline, whatever. If it’s not published in a peer-review journal, don’t bother. The good news: You can often get the gist of an article from the “abstract,” a brief summary that appears at the beginning of the article. Sometimes that’s all you really need to read!
  2. Citations. Sometimes, the most important part of an assignment isn’t what you have to say or how you say it: it’s your adherence to whatever obscure style reminds your professor of his glory days in the Ivy League. Lots of professors might only care about how well you cite sources and whether you get the commas and periods and dashes and italics right in the works cited. However, do not despair. There are numerous options for creating perfect citations. One is to ask for some help. Another is to use an auto citation generator, like EasyBib.com.  Finally, some word processors even have citation management tools.
  3.  A strong thesis. In general, what you argue is less important than how you argue it, but to get an A paper, your professor should know exactly what you argue in the paper. Some students seem afraid to argue anything they think the professor will disagree with. While we all love to have our egos stroked this way – it is why we became professors – it doesn’t really matter.
  4. Good structure. This sounds like a no-brainer, but the students who get A’s in my classes don’t reinvent the wheel. Intro, main points, conclusion and out. No meandering, no digressions, no FDA-approved textual filler.
  5. Good use of sources. This might be the hardest. You need to use your troops strategically, right? So deploy them in a strategic way. Have front line sources, backup sources, mechanical robot with machine gun sources that take out your opponent. Massage them in with a rhetorical flourish that would make Derrida giggle. And all professors can spot gratuitous quotes from a mile away, so don’t do that.
  6. Good writing. This is easier said than done (or written, I suppose), and I know that it’s difficult for many people – it’s why you might want to get help. Often, universities will have a writing center where the nice employees will read over your paper and offer suggestions (though they seldom offer proofreading). I can’t speak for all of my colleagues, and I’m no grammar Nazi. If a paper is good overall, I can look the other way for some misused commas or a couple typos. But then again, if your writing has so many errors I can’t figure out what you mean, we have an issue, because I will always assume you mean the dumbest possible option.
  7. Nice presentation throughout. If I want to put on gloves and scrub with Purell before touching your paper, it doesn’t bode well for my general disposition as I read. Clean paper, clean printing, and professional formatting all go a long way.
  8. Stay in contact with your professor. Your professor rarely leaves the house and has no friends, so he or she anxiously awaits your emails. All right, maybe that’s a big of an exaggeration, but run some ideas by him or her. Take note of the comments. Do what he or she or he says, since they’re the one grading you.

 

Of course, a Benjamin discretely paper-clipped to the last page doesn’t hurt, either, but nobody’s tried that in any of my classes. Yet. And if you’re spending big on bribing the professor, why not hedge your bet and have a pro help you out?

Is Buying a Term Paper Unethical?

buying a term paper
You’re sure as shit right it is; there’s nothing ethical about buying a term paper, and there sure as hell isn’t anything ethical about having an unemployed or underemployed professor write one for you.

That said, there’s a perverse logic to buying a term paper from a purveyor like this one. Look at it this way – the MBAs, PhDs and other graduate-degree holding ninjas who work for us were given one promise when they entered their programs – “son, you’re not going to have any trouble finding a job when you get out of here.” Let’s face it – that was a load of bull. While there’s certainly a case to be made that the American and Canadian academies overproduce PhDs (and they do), this pernicious dynamic is also beginning to spread down into undergraduate education.

You know what that means? You don’t just need good grades to succeed anymore; that ain’t going to cut it. You’re going to need connections, a network, and the type of padded resume that you probably won’t have the time to build if you spend your time writing papers that are intended, for all intents and purposes, to be nothing more than busy work. That’s where the unemployed professors come in. When you buy a term paper from us, you can be certain that you’re getting A-level material, and that you’re not going to have waste ten hours cranking out twelve pages. Instead, you’ll pay some dollars, while partying or building that all important network and you’ll have your term paper, custom written, deposited in your account prior to your due date.

Most importantly, buying a custom term paper will free up your time. Some of you have it made, and will be able to spend that time partying until you puke, as your networks are probably already complete. For others, though, you’ll spend the time that you’ve saved becoming a commodity, by building up that network, and getting your nose as brown as you possibly can. Because, let’s face it, the same way that we’re transforming education into a commodity, you need to become one if you’re going to succeed outside of school. Given that you can only be in three places at a time, rather than six, you need to build that network, turn yourself into a commodity, and play the game that the commercial-university complex wants you to. Yeah, it’s unethical, but so is the university system, built on corruption and false promises of employability, that you’re working in today. If your football coach makes more than your family members’ combined incomes, you’ll sure as shit understand what we’re talking about.