Veteran writers for term paper writing services have seen all kinds of shit. Believe it or not, some of the reasons students try to outsource their work or beat TurnItIn have to do not with their own ethics, but because of the terrible assignments. Some professors leave students with no choice but to try and find a writing service to help them out.
Here are the top 5 worst term paper assignment types. Which do you remember from school? Which are you trying to get out of right now? Remember that if any of these are plaguing you, the experts at Unemployed Professors have got your back.
(SOURCE: Boyz in the Hood, 1991)
The “Drive-by Citing.”
We all know this one. Some professor thinks someone can address a complex topic….in 6 pages…with a requirement of 15 mandatory sources. Oh, you think this is crazy? I’ve written over 1,000 papers for Unemployed Professors. The shit I’ve seen has included requirements like these, with added bullshit bonus stuff like 1/3 of the sources must be tonal poems or something. The main purpose of these papers seems to be to get students to cite sources for no reason other than to cite source, because it is impossible to treat a complex, broad topic in a short span of pages while paying obeisance to dozens of secondary sources.
I also call this the “Tweet.” The professor is asking for a 3000-word paper. All the student knows is that it’s supposed to be 3000 words and maybe use MLA formatting, or is it APA? All other instructions have been conveyed in the form of vague gestures, fluffy clouds, and tealeaves.
The opposite of the Haiku. The “Tl;dr.”
The opposite of the Haiku. The “Tl;dr.” Too long, didn’t read. Dear professors: If you’re assigning a 3-page paper, you should probably not include more than 3 pages of instructions. I’ve seen instructions for 3 page papers that topped out at, I kid you not, 10 pages single-spaced. Interesting variations include the condescending or snarky instructions, as well as the ones that blatantly mock students somewhere in the wall of text. Luckily nobody ever reads that far.
The factual scavenger hunt.
This is a highly structured paper that exists solely so students can regurgitate facts in an order proscribed by the professor. There is no argument, no critical thinking. It is simply a recall-based exam in essay form.
The fill-in-the blanks.
You know what I’m talking about. The professor isnt’ just holding your hand. I mean the professor is gripping your arm and basically telling you what to write. Underline and italicize the thesis statement. Use the thesis statement worksheet and make sure your thesis fits into the blank. Then make three, no more no less, arguments and sub arguments with a polite rebuttal. There is absolutely zero room for creativity or critical thought in these papers. They are effectively a long-form worksheet. But professors seem to love them. And why not? In every highly structured sentence, there are dozens of opportunities to ding students who dare to think for themselves.
Remember, even if you are dealing with a paper that doesn’t fit into one of these categories, one of our friendly, tweed-wearing Unemployed Professors is happy to help you tame the paper monster.